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May 23, 2005

Crazy Lady BBQ: The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

Ya'll!!! I forgot my camera cord today so I can't put up any pictures and I am soooo mad! Promise me you'll come back tomorrow to see fifty million jillion pics of cute dogs and drunk knitters at my barbecue party. Promise?

(If I were not a totally absent-minded half-asleep zombie this morning with the hangover and all, a picture would go right here. So pretend there's a picture here. Thankyouverymuch.)

The Good:
1. All the girls came over and appeared to have fun (Oh, I hope they had fun! I have party anxiety. Want it to go well, want people happy! And I'm kind of militant about it. YA'LL HAVE FUN OR ELSE!! And also be sure to tell me a bazillion times, Laurie, I AM HAVING FUN!!! SO MUCH FUN! Now please stop asking me?) and everyone left well-fed and well-quenched.

2. Minou! Minou! Angela! Angela! Even though it must have been unbearably weird to come over to Crazy Lady's house in Los Angeles and meet Crazy Lady's friends, Angela braved it and came to the barbecue and she is wonderful! and GORGEOUS. Like a model kind of gorgeous. But so sweet and softspoken and she just radiates calmness. And Minou? Simply the cutest thing. Makes you happy just to look at her, and so much personality! I felt like I was meeting a movie star. It was WONDERFUL.

(Pretend there is the cutest picture here you ever saw of Minou on my patio.)

3. I did not run out of food or alcohol.

4. The house and garden managed to be passably clean and cat-hair-free.

5. No one died of heat stroke.

(Vivid imagination! So many cute pictures that should be here of everyone!)

The Bad:

1. I was so tired from cleaning my house that I lolled around during the party with a cocktail and smoke and did virtually no hostessing. I cleaned the house dammit, now ya'll roam around and enjoy it while I sit here admiring my drink.

2. Jennifer had to come over early and help me clean up because I spent so much time trying to get the patio pretty pretty that I completely ignored things like, oh, the kitchen and bathroom. Thank you Jen. I owe you BIG. And to that end, as part of my love for you, I will not post the pics I have of you at the end of the night re-enacting "Not Without My Daughter" with your garter stitch scarf on your head.

(This will be one photo I shall never post for fear of getting my arm chewed off by a 95-pound girl who is mad as hell.) (Hah hah!! Not Without My Daughter!!! No more beer for you!!)

3. At 11 p.m. last night Jennifer and I ate seven pounds of the chocolate chip ice cream that I also forgot to serve my guests.

4. One of my cats was so pissed off about The Dog Who Dared Enter The House (a.k.a. Minou) that she hid for hours and at 9 p.m. she had me, Jen and Carrie scurrying all over the house for 40 minutes looking for her, to no avail. She finally made an appearance in the middle of the night and scratched me. I probably deserved it. But Minou! Love you! Well worth it!

5. My head. My hurting, hurting Monday head. Bad. So, so bad.

The Positively Ugly

1. Ya'll ... I dropped the hamburgers before they even made it to the grill. ALL OF THEM. In my defense, it was not entirely my fault. The BBQ is about ancient and it kind of leans to one side or the other depending on how it feels that day and as I set the huge tray of uncooked burgers on the side of the grill, the whole thing shifted and they went sliding off in some kind of Horror Movie Barbecue scene. There was much shreiking and gasping and shock all around. I almost cried, but Shannon saved the day and did some necessary rinsing. THAT'S RIGHT WE WASHED OFF THE BURGERS AND COOKED THEM ANYWAY.

2. And we ate them.

3. Jennifer decided to "help" me barbecue. So she poked and prodded around on the grill (complaining the whole entire time about how awful hard it was to barbecue and how goddamn hot it was) and she perhaps poked or prodded a hotdog or two into the burning charcoal. But, to her credit, she did not drop ALL OF THEM like some people (see #1).

4. I bought lettuce, tomato and onion for the burgers but completely forgot to put any of this out for my guests. See "lolling around" and "many cocktails" in the Bad Hostess Handbook.

5. It was 3000 degrees outside. No, really, it was. We broke records in the valley for heat -- 104 in the shade. It was the kind of heat that makes you feel as if you are GOING TO DIE, and your insides are boiling and all your will to live is simply sweating out your every pore. Of course today it is a nice, normal 80 degrees. THANKS A LOT NATURE. I HATE YOU. Party ruiner.

So, in conclusion, I had a party on the hottest day of the year in which I served my guests plain burgers that were DROPPED ON THE GROUND, no ice cream and oh! also, no soda. Because all I had prepared was alcohol, more alcohol and sweet tea.

I cleaned my house for two days and there was still a mountain of boxes in the office, towering over everything. Plus, my best friend had to come over early and help me clean. I drank too much, smoked too much, and practically cried when Minou and Angela left because after exactly 2.765 seconds, I was IN LOVE with that dog. IN LOVE. Then I walked around asking everyone if they thought Minou's mom had an OK time. Are ya'll sure? Are you SURE?

Then I started questioning them all about THEIR time, was it good? Were they having fun? ARE YA'LL LYING TO ME? But I never actually offered anyone anything because dammit, I was tired and HOT and ya'll know where the kitchen is. Then I photographed every single moment and promptly forgot my camera cord because it was early and ow. My head. Hurts. So, so much.

So, all in all a perfect day. Except for my head, my camera forgettage and I am so, so tired. Oh! And if you want a slightly-dropped burger, or a charcoal dog, just let me know. I have some leftovers. Yum!

Posted by laurie at May 23, 2005 11:35 AM