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April 05, 2005
Woman Vs. Nature .... Nature Wins
Oh, I forgot to tell ya'll I got attacked by nature this past weekend. This happens more than you may think, hence my total avoidance of nature. I mean, I love to appreciate the outdoors, mostly while watching the Travel Channel or looking at it from the safety of a climate-controlled vehicle. But to just turn me loose in nature is a bad, BAD idea. I may not return.
My family knows this. They have known me long enough to understand that nature is trying to kill me. I'm not sure when nature started hating me. Perhaps it was in the thriving metropolis of Comfort, Texas when I SWEAR to God I got bit by a snake on my pinkie toe. My bare feet were hanging over the side of a drainage ditch that my brother Guy and his friends were fishing in when suddenly OWWWWW and bloooood on my tooooeeee....
[Author's note: Yes, there are many things wrong with this scenario. File "fishing in drainage ditch" under "Stupid shit kids did in the '70s that should have killed us but didn't." The '70s were a different world, weren't they? We used to do things like ride bikes with other kids on the handlebars and we all thought it was just good, clean fun. ("Hey, ride me on the handlebars! Me! me!") And our parents were just slap happy to have us out of the house so they could discuss who shot J.R. or something.]
Anyway, my brother said I got bit on the pinkie toe by a snapping turtle, although I could have sworn it was a snake. The conversation went something like this:
Me: Waaaah I. got. bit amgonna DIEEEEE from a snake. (CRY CRY TEARS CRY)
Guy: It wasn't a snake, it was a snapping turtle! And if you tell mom I'm gonna throw you in there with him! So don't you dare tell!
To his credit, he and his friends did haul me back to the house (on the HANDLEBARS) and wash off my toe in the bathtub and put some Bactine a Band-Aid on it.
And while there is some debate in the family, I completely blame nature for the worst hair cut I ever had. We were in the car and I was chewing gum, and I meant to blow a bubble but the window was down and the wind -- which is the powerful and evil hand of Nature -- pulled the gum out of my mouth and deliberately, totally, into my hair.
From Left: Brian, Guy, me with bad haircut after gum incident
Or maybe nature was just testing me then but truly started hating me the summer my parents sent me off to summer camp. I LOVED summer camp. Except that on the third day of camp we had a nature walk to gather materials for a nature collage and all the materials I gathered happened to be poisonous, mainly poison oak, ivy and sumac. And I had poison ivy so bad it covered the inside of my ears, folks. No lie. And I missed the rest of summer camp because I was stuck in a bathtub full of Calamine lotion.
Or maybe it was the time nature froze my street and I broke my ankle on an ice puddle. Or the time nature gave me hives. I don't know what I did to nature, but it was apparently really, really bad. Because now nature wants me dead.
So, anyway, on Sunday I was sitting on my patio and I was smoking (Dad: I was reading great literature NOT smoking) and minding my own business and out of nowhere, completely unprovoked, a wasp attacked me. Nature stung the base of my neck and then went down the back of my shirt, where it bit me again and as I was pulling him out, he stung me on my hand. No lie.
Then I called Jennifer because she is my friiiieeennndd and will feel sorry for me.
Me: I just got stung by a wasp on my neck, twice, and on my hand and nature hates me and is trying to kill me.
Jen: Oh man, that sucks. Shouldn't you put something on it?
Me: Yeah! Like what?
Jen: Ummmm.... baking soda? Or powder? Or whatever it is you put in the fridge?
Me: Well, which one is it?
Jen: Well, which one do you have?
Me: Neither. Hey, I'm probably not allergic since I'm not dead yet? Right? Shouldn't my lungs be filling with fluid?
Jen: Definitely, the poison would have gone right to your brain.
(silence)
Jen: I just realized what I said. I'm probably not helping.
Me: You are the worst. friend. ever.
Jen: Maybe take some Tylenol? Or Ibuprofin?
Me: Isn't that what Tylenol is?
Jen: I don't know. So what are you going to do?
Me: I'm having a beer.
Jen: Ok, and take some Tylenol.
Me: I hate nature! Nature sucks! Nature can bite me!
Jen: And, in fact.... nature DID bite you. Ahahahahahahaha!
I really am a bad friend, I'm sorry. (Author's note: she did not sound sorry.)
Me: I hate you.
But apparently I am not allergic to wasps, since my lungs did not fill with fluid, even though the poison went STRAIGHT TO MY BRAIN. About ten o'clock last night I finally remembered what you are supposed to put on bee/wasp/hornet stings ... apply meat tenderizer! (I don't know if this is actually true, but please don't email me to tell me otherwise since I was really astonishingly proud of myself for having thought of this.) So I made up a paste of meat tenderizer and put it on the back of my neck, and it smelled like steak marinating. My cats started sniffing around, which freaked me out, since if the poison did go straight to my brain, and I died, my cats would not even wait for the Meow Mix to run out before they started feasting on my well-seasoned cadaver. And then I felt sorry for myself because I had to sit still with MEAT TENDERIZER on my neck because nature hates me and my cats are going to eat my dead body before I even get to go out on a date and maybe contract clapotis if I am lucky.
I managed, at some point, to blame this entire situation on Mr. X. It's amazing isn't it, the restorative and healing power of BLAME? And my magical medicinal meat tenderizer worked, I guess, since my neck feels fine, even though the poison has gone STRAIGHT TO MY BRAIN.
Because nature is trying to kill me. I swear.
Posted by laurie at April 5, 2005 06:01 AM
Comments
You were right meat tenderizer helps draw out the "bug stuff" and helps with the itching and swelling. I got stung by a bee this weekend. Left a bruise the size of a baseball on the outside of my leg. Bastard Bee. Alas I was not smart enough to remember to put meat tenderizer on it.
Posted by: Crystal at April 5, 2005 08:01 AM
I've just recently stumbled across your blog and I love your narcissistic tendencies! (Did I spell that right?) As a recently divorced late 20s something, I can totally relate to a lot of what you write. I am glad to see that Nature has been foiled in Its attempts to kill you and it really IS Mr. X's fault, no matter what anyone else says. :D
Posted by: Grace at April 5, 2005 09:01 AM
oh my gawd you are so funny.thanks for the laugh...and btw how did shoot J.R?
Posted by: cara at April 5, 2005 10:02 AM
OMG! I HATE wasps! I still remember the time a wasp chased me through my backyard when I was little. Then the time when my brother lifted a well pump *I told him not to!* and this wasp comes chasing after us and of course I got stung! It made my leg swell so bad I just sat on the couch with an ice pack on it. Bastard wasps. I am glad you survived the attack and the poison in your brain didn't make it rot.
Posted by: Lisa at April 5, 2005 10:27 AM
i hear ya. i don't "do" nature, either.
and if you must know (you must) i was once stung by a bee on my foot. when i stepped on it. in the middle of the night. IN MY KITCHEN.
oh yes, Nature does find a way...
*hides*
Posted by: k at April 5, 2005 04:23 PM
You are too funny! Well - at least that damn thing didn't get your face!!
Posted by: Jackie at April 5, 2005 05:13 PM
i stupidly volunteered to help my godparents get the honey out their bee hives which they keep in their backyard! yes i know - who the hell keeps 6 bee hives in surburban melbourne! anyway - that was a major accident waiting to happen and i got stung on the neck. only wish i had known the meat tenderiser trick!
on a positive note if you had of died and your cats had of started eating your carcus - at least the papers would have had a good story about that crazy spinster cat women.
Posted by: jacqueline at April 5, 2005 07:24 PM
Perhaps it was the sense of humor. No, it was that your name is Laurie too. (How is that for narcissistic?) I'm almost old enough to be your mother. (Would have had to start indecently early). Then I found another OCD, perfectionist knitting freak, who even has insight about it. Then I laughed. And laughed again. YGG.
I'm a little less out there in my blog, but you can see pictures of me without oxygen on my sidebar. I'm at etherknitter.typepad.com.
Posted by: Anonymous at April 6, 2005 03:36 AM
Hey, there's nothing wrong with that hairstyle. In fact, I have my hair like that RIGHT NOW.
I did a course on small animal care once and the tutor was showing us how to restrain a gerbil without being bitten. Let me tell you I still have a scar on my thumb from where her restraining method DID NOT WORK and the little bastard hung on for TEN MINUTES. The tutor was shouting 'Please don't smack him on the table! Please don't smack him on the table!' through my screams so eventually I ran him under the tap instead. Bastard.
Posted by: weeza at April 6, 2005 07:24 AM
I'm so with you on not doing nature. So much, in fact, that Jen razzes me all the time about it. hell, I don't even own a pair of running shoes or hiking boots. I don't have a problem with wasps or bees but the DH sure does. I still don't see how he made it through our June outdoor garden wedding, considering the pond area where the gazebo is located was just teaming with wasps.
Hey, we need to get you into the CA Knitbloggers Web Ring....the link to it is in the right sidebar on our site. Glad to meet you!
Posted by: La at April 6, 2005 09:04 AM
Oh! I forgot...since you don't do nature I guess you wouldn't be interested in participating in the Revlon Run/Walk for women,huh? Jen and I are gonna walk it while knitting.
Posted by: La at April 6, 2005 09:06 AM
Those wasps are a wiley bunch. I was painting the front door, and one was buzzing around so I thought it might be funny if it were blue, so I painted IT. Needless to say, wasps have NO sense of humor. It chased me, no lie, through the house, through the french doors into the kitchen through another set of doors into the mud room and got me on the almost ass-cheek.(read as upper hamstring area). Nature is evil, you are right...
Posted by: Knittykim at April 6, 2005 09:06 AM
found your blog from over at JenLa - too freakin' funny! Oh, and if you're interested, today on my blog I'm featuring pictures of my living room - with the tv on. I'm sure you'd enjoy them! ;-)
Posted by: Cara at April 6, 2005 09:53 AM
I miss what being a child in the 70s was like.
Posted by: Brad at April 6, 2005 10:12 AM
I found my way here through Jen and La.
Divorce is a lot better than you've had a chance to realize yet. It gets better. More fun. Just keep knitting.
Posted by: Snow at April 6, 2005 11:48 AM
Also found you through Jen and La and LOVE YOU. Thank you for bringing laughs to my gray-soaked cubicle-lined boring ass day. ;)
Posted by: melanie at April 6, 2005 01:51 PM
Oh my god--I came for the knitting but I'm staying for the hilarity. In case you ever do have to go out in nature, you might think about this: when my sister was little our mom made her wear a beekeeper's hat--you know, with the net that covers your whole head?--so that she wouldn't get stung. Twenty years later, I still enjoy reminding her to put on her gnat net whenever we go hiking. She gets less of a kick out of it.
Posted by: Ashley at April 6, 2005 10:20 PM
I had that exact same haircut.
Posted by: anna at April 7, 2005 03:18 PM
this is why i hate nature...
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/4423175.stm
Posted by: maryse at April 8, 2005 12:39 PM
Now that I've had time to wipe the coffee off my monitor and keyboard... Thanks for the laughs. And I had that haircut, too, in the summer of '76 when I was ten. Were our parents all high on some nationwide cloud of pot smoke back then to inflict that on us?
Posted by: Linda L at April 21, 2005 01:58 PM
I usually love Nature, but I have to agree that Nature seems to be out to get you. My cat is starting at me and wondering why I am laughing so loud.
Posted by: Mary at May 9, 2005 01:40 PM
