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April 8, 2005


In a desperate attempt to be a better person, one whose bitter, dying soul isn't the mouthpiece of Satan, I have tried my hardest to stay away from more tales of youknowwho.

Today, I meet with failure. Hi, Failure, nice to meet you... again!

But so what, I fail! It isn't like I haven't failed at grander pursuits (like ... oh... say, marriage). She's evil! I can't help myself! Flames of hell ... I can feel you licking at my feet....

Snip! snip, snip, snip!

And now a little note from your crazy old Aunt Purl:

Did ya'll know you can get fired for writing things about people on your website? Even if you change the names to protect the not-so-innocent? Oh yes. That's what Jennifer says, and she's completed almost a whole year of law school so you know she's mad qualified to advise me. Apparently the girl who runs the website dooce.com got fired. Bad! Not good! They even coined a name for this getting-fired-because-of-blogging. It's called "getting dooced." (See BBC story here. Scary!) So if I got canned, I would not even have the satisfaction of having a cool phrase named after me, like "getting auntpurled crazystyle."

So, you know, that little ditty that used to be here this morning about Jack and Diane? And, uh, youknowwho? It's gone. Poof! I so cannot get fired, people. Someone has to bring home the meow mix around here, and it isn't Mr. X. Furthermore, I officially blame the deletion of some of my better, although meaner, writing on Mr. X. (I like that I manage to find ways to blame him for all sorts of things. It's creative, really. And so, so true.)

The people who came up with this new rule governing the content of personal websites and online diaries are definitely NOT Southern. If they had been from the South, they would have known that the absolute, worst, most awful comeuppance ever dished out by man (or mean, spinster-style cat lady) was Getting Talked About. This is how we keep folks in line down South. If you go to the grocery store and you're too good to speak to the bag boy and you don't say "hey," you are so Getting Talked About. And since the bag boy is the younger brother of someone you went to school with about five hundred years ago, he's going to Talk About You. And eventually he will tell his mother. And she will tell someone who will tell your mother that you were too uppity to say "hey" at the grocery store. You have been Talked About, and shamed.

It's a great way of keeping people in line. Never underestimate the power of Getting Talked About!

But as I can't keep on talking about you know who, since I totally cannot get fired (a girl has to eat, you know) I hereby present you with a completely lame, inoffensive ditty about knitting. It's not so funny, but it has mystery, and intrigue, and cats, and a trip to the Home Depot. Read on!

End snippage!

And now a brand spanking new entry from your crazy old Aunt Purl:

Of all the many hand-knitted items I have made (read: scarf upon scarf upon scarf) the only one that gets any real, daily use is the kitty pi. The furballs LOVE the kitty pi, and there are many cat fights and much jockeying and positioning all about the kitty pi.

One would think I should just go forth and knit another kitty pi. But that would be logical, and ya'll know me. So I was staring at the kitty pi the other day, pondering its greatness ("Aunt Purl, you oughta get out more.") and I think I came up with a possibly BRILLIANT idea for a NEW knitting project for my cats. Do you want to know what it is? You crazy cat ladies? Whooops, too bad so sad!

I'm going to keep it secret for now since I'm not sure if I can procure some of the supplies. Before I can tell you my BRILLIANT idea, I need to go to Home Depot and look for the crucial component of my Mystery Knitting Project. (Are you intrigued now? What the hell is she knitting that requires supplies from Home Depot? I've totally forgotten that Aunt Purl is the mouthpiece of Satan! Right?) My new project may require some Knitting Math, which I hate. HATE YOU MATH. But then when my brain hurts I can have wine. LOVE YOU WINE. So it all works out in the end.

Plus, I also have a surprise for you on May 1st. Which I know is a long time to wait for a website surprise, especially one that's not porn (and my dad reads this site, so, nope, no porn!) but it is a good one, if I must say so myself. So if you're so distraught over missing out on the evil bile that was posted here this morning, at least straighten yourself out enough to come back on May 1st! Big surprise!

Posted by laurie at April 8, 2005 9:36 AM