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April 22, 2005
Who says the Internets are just for porn?
Last night, 10 p.m. Phone rings.
Jen: You have to go see your website.
Me: I can't. Get out of bed. I have the covers pulled over my head. And I'm depressed. And I think... I smell.
Jen: You don't smell.
Me: Do too.
Jen: No one can smell you on the Internets.
Jen: You have to go look, read the comments. I think I'm going to cry.
(pause while I drag my possibly odiferous self from bed)
Me: Oh my.
Jen: I know.
Me: (speechless) (then, of course, not speechless) Oh. My.
Jen: I know! And Savannah has created a "Down With Mr. X. Knit-a-long" and... there's a BUTTON. There's a LOGO.
Me: Oh oh (sniff) I can't believe it. And it's a great logo! And you are nowhere until you have a LOGO. And it's a GREAT logo! And ... no one has ever made a LOGO this good. And, oh ... did you read this comment? And this comment? And she survived it.. and so did she... and she knows .... (sniff, sniffle, sniff)
Jen: You know, what, Laurie... you're not alone.
Me: I thought I would die alone, eaten by my cats. I'm... I need a minute. I have to go blow my nose.
Jen: I know! (sniffle) Me too! knitbloggers, they're so good! These are good people!
Me: Knitbloggers will inherit the earth.
Jen: If blogger.com doesn't crap out.
Me: I know!
Oh, oh, thank you. Thanks for the emails and comments, I appreciate them more than you know. I ... I really was speechless. and that NEVER happens.
Luckily, Erika also tagged me to answer some questions, pre-empting more whining and boo-hooing and "I'm so smelly, I'm alone, where is the wine?" and cursing and carrying on by you-know-who. (Which is me, in case ya'll are wondering.) Hi Erika! My parents thank you, since all this bellyaching on my part ran out their cellphone battery ... twice.
Plus, you know where I am today? NOT AT WORK. Personal day! (This is what happens when you cry at a redesign meeting. "That highlight color is all wrong and .. and... it's so lonely, all by itself, with no high-contrast... and it's alone... with four cats ... and it looks so sad ... and no and I'm sorry, I have to excuse myself.... ")
But the very best part (we're back on Erika, now, and her blog-tag, FOLLOW ALONG people) is that it's a literary tag Q&A, which is the perfect time to introduce you to my new secret weapon, a powerful and evil tome which was located in the Self Help aisle. And ... you know. I love me some Self Help aisle! It's so good for getting your crazy on. Right out in public, too, between Travel and Biography. Oh, I joke about the self-help aisle. I make fun of it. But you think I haven't gone there?
I HAVE SO GONE THERE.
But, wait... I'm getting ahead of myself. Here is my simple "stop your whining" Q & A session (because I am not one to talk on an on and on about myself) (ha!):
1) Total number of books in your house:
I have no idea. I'm bad at The Math. Can we get on with the next question?
2) The last book you bought was:
Finally! Now I can get to the part about Self Help. There's a funny story here. No, really, trust me. The entire tale is sort of third-hand information, but still powerful. And maybe a little evil.
Jennifer went to lunch with our mutual friend Amber last week. And Amber and Jen are talking at lunch, chitchat chitchat, and somehow they get on the subject of Careful What You Wish For. (Which is one of my personal favorites, by the way.)
If you want to know how weird internet rumors get started, I believe we're about to witness one in its infancy. So, now, fast forward to Jen and me on my patio, a few days later. Amber? Not present. All the people about to be discussed? Never met them.
Jen (telling me about her lunch with Amber): So, Amber was at Junior League. And the girls are talking about recent books they've read, and specifically a book called... I think, "Power of Intention."
Me: Ok. And?
Jen: Well, one of the girls at Junior League started telling everyone... DO NOT read that book! It's powerful... and evil.
Me: (ears perking up) Yes...?
Jen: So, apparently, the Junior League girl is a real estate agent. And anyway, some guy she sold property to was suing her. Then she read the book, The Power of Intention, and she went to her spiritual advisor* who told her to take the power of intention and focus it back on the bad guy suing her.
(* Yes, a spiritual advisor. Only in L.A., folks. Only in L.A.)
Me: And so what happened?
Jen: He DIED. Three weeks later, alone in his apartment.
Jen: Laurie...? Where are you going? ... hello?
Me: Oh, I have to get a pen. And some paper. Now, what is the name of this book again?
Jen: "The Power of Intention" BUT it's EVIL.
Me: I know! I can't wait!
Jen: Plus, I think it may be self-help, and you HATE self-help.
Me: I know! Even BETTER!
So, ya'll know I totally bought it. And I'm going to read it this weekend. And I'll let you know if it's the powerful evil book we all wish and hope for. (Hello, Mr. X!)
3)What was the last book you read before reading this?
Before I went totally off the deep end into evil yet powerful self-help books, I was reading "The Perfect Storm."
I love this book. I love fishermen, and fishing towns, and boat docks in fishing towns, and tiny diners with strong coffee and fish tales. Coincidentally, I myself am COMPLETELY phobic about boats and won't go near one. Minor detail. I'm fine with small boats, but big boats that travel on the ocean with no land in sight? Those scare me.
Once, I went to Catalina Island for the day with some friends, and to get to Catalina, you have to take a boat. Which I suppose the "island" part should have conveyed, but I swear ... I DID NOT KNOW about the boat. I'm from Texas and you can totally DRIVE to South Padre Island, people!
Oh, I tried to get out of the boat ride. I started out indignant. "Are ya'll trying to prematurely AGE me? Where's the ROAD? I see NO ROAD. There's just a BOAT. You never mentioned a BOAT." Then I slipped into obsessive-compulsive mode, "But there are GERMS and VIRUS spores and glorified PORTAPOTTIES." This produced no noticable results, so I broke out the old tried-and-true, "I'll wait while ya'll go to your deaths in a watery grave."
And they ignored me.
So, on the boat ride to Catalina, which try as I might I could not get out of, I sat on the top deck of the Catalina Flyer with an orange life jacket on. My friends were so embarrassed. Orange totally clashed with everyone's cute outfits, plus, they had to be seen with their friend, THE DORK IN THE LIFE VEST.
But I lived, and that is what matters.
So, I'm not exactly sure why I love love love fishing boats and fishing towns and stuff so much, but I do. There's something so appealing about a tiny town on the ocean, and men on boats, and fish, and rogue waves. And this is a great book, and it even has pictures!
4) Write down 5 (or 6) books you often read or that mean a lot to you.
When I can't sleep, and I'm anxious, and possibly feeling sorry for myself, I read "The Pianist" (the book that inspired the movie) or "The Last Eyewitnesses." Nothing makes you appreciate your good life more than reading about the things others have endured, things you can't even imagine. I am also completely obsessed with anything Jewish, and with World War II, and with Poland.
About once a year, I read "Gone With The Wind" again, and dammit, Scarlett still falls in love with Ashley every time. Stupid Ashley.
My current favorite book is, um, a picture book. BAD CAT. It is truly the funniest book on the planet. I bought it to give to Shannon for her birthday and it never left my house. Sorry, Shan!
5) Who are you going to pass the stick to (three people) and why?
Jennifer ... same five questions, because you love subject matter! And this will give you an opportunity to complain, at length, about law school. Suggestion: Take pics of your enormous books to garner more sympathy.
Crystal ... because I'm stalking you, and you know it. (I called her on Wednesday, and she said, "Laurie, this is becoming a pattern... are you stalking me? Because I will tell SO your parents!")
Anmiryam ... because I thought Gromit would have an interesting perspective on books. And maybe pictures, too :) And I couldn't tag Minou, since dogs don't read. Or do they? But if they do, Minou, you are so tagged.
P.S. Thanks again for all the emails and comments. I'm... blessed. And the nice messages of support ... all ya'll who said you've been there, too ... thank you. You have no idea. You kept me from doing something potentially damaging to my career at work yesterday. ("Hi coworker. You're getting married? Did they mention to you in pre-marital counseling that marriage can suck your soul dry and probably kill you? No? They didn't? Hmmm. Fascinating!")
And note to Dad, I was just joking about the ... you know, the Cheetos thing. Really. I would NEVER do that. Because that would be wrong.
P.P.S. Note to everyone else: It's so wrong it's RIGHT.
Posted by laurie at April 22, 2005 11:53 AM
Comments
You did get a bitch of a divorce lawyer that hates men, didn't you?? Just to play it safe. Mr. X sounds unhinged.
Posted by: knittykim at April 22, 2005 09:34 AM
I got your email-- yes, no comments (yet!). :) I was simply overwhelmed reading your post last night, and then I read every single comment because, as you said, it made me realize that other women have been here and made it through. It IS survivable, even though it doesn't feel like it right now. We are not quite at the separation stage yet, but he's still here because he basically has nowhere else to go. And we have FOUR kids. Yes, four. Boys. One isn't even a year old yet. And he doesn't think he loves me anymore. Perhaps he and Mr. X ought to get together and discuss Selfishness as a Disease.
ANYWAY... I'm so glad that you are feeling better, and yahoo for the personal day! Mr. X will one day regret doing this to you, he really will. Wanna know why? Because you have the Power of Intention! ;)
Posted by: Carie at April 22, 2005 09:36 AM
So - Am I supposed to take these questions and answer them on my blog now? I am stupid at this internet/blog thing. I only do it so we can mutually stalk each other.
I just have the better end of the stalking deal - I know your parents and can tell on you!
Posted by: Crystal at April 22, 2005 09:53 AM
Hey, just got to your blog and it is wonderful and funny and smart and entertaining. Do not worry or be upset about divorce for too long. Take it from me - 28 and on my 2nd divorce. Have a big party now and a bigger one when it is final. Then celebrate it every year - instead of your Birthday, call it your Freedom Day. Buy a Wonderbra and flaunt what God gave you to every cute man. Then take one home and show him who's boss and not give him your number. How dare men treat women that way - "Here's how it feels bitches!!!" Sorry - I got a bit out of control, but believe me, youfeel a lot better quickly. Take Care!
Posted by: Kristina at April 22, 2005 10:12 AM
I love your blog!
Also, Bad Cat ROCKS.
Posted by: Michele at April 22, 2005 10:20 AM
Like Carie above, I read every single comment too and this whole blog community thing is so amazing, eh? Complete strangers reaching out to one another - restores my faith in mankind! I'm glad you dragged yourself out of bed :)
Posted by: Brenda in Toronto at April 22, 2005 10:36 AM
Do you think the author of The Power of Intention's middle name is "Wool"?
Posted by: ~drew emborsky~ at April 22, 2005 10:45 AM
ok. we both love the cheetos. but do you know that i also loved the perfect storm? i liked the movie, because i like george clooney, and marky mark but the new england accents by most of the cast sucked ass. but i loved the book. all of the technical crap...loved it. i loved it so much i read it twice. and i own it so it's possible i could read it again. if you ever come out east, i'll take you to gloucester, ma.
Posted by: maryse at April 22, 2005 10:52 AM
We love ya girl! Knitters have got to stick by other knitters, right?
And that Bad Cat book? That book is everywhere! I got my little sister a copy and then she got one for her birthday. Then I was at the bookstore and the guy tried to sell it to me. Then I got home and someone told me I needed it! I was like, book! you are stalking me!
Good book meme, though. I may borrow it for my LJ. I'll send some bad voodoo Mr. X's way!
Posted by: Gabrielle Kang at April 22, 2005 10:58 AM
I was going to tell you about a self-help book that my therapist recommended...but I like yours MUCH better!! You go with your power of intention!!
Oh, something else I did was to make a "divorce greatest hits" CD and play it LOUD through my headphones. I can't remember all the things on it, but I know there was "I will survive" and "I'm a bitch." I LOVE that one, you have to sing it in the car real loud! As a pleasant side effect, it makes other drivers get out of your way, at least in South Carolina. Don't know about Southern California.
Sign me up for the Down with Mr. X knitalong, too...what are we making? Garotte cords?
Posted by: Judy at April 22, 2005 11:05 AM
I guess one should be more careful putting ideas out there,some people might run away with the idea.
everyt body heals in time,you will too.Just knit your pain away ;0)
Posted by: cara at April 22, 2005 11:28 AM
My fiance read the "Power of Intention." After reading a page or two, I told him I WOULD SO NOT MARRY HIM IF HE DIDN'T THROW IT OUT.
Hang in there, Purly Girl. You are so much better off!
sue
P.S. Bad Cat Rocks! The photo of the cat looking down the shower drain and bemoaning his miserable life looks exactly like my youngest baby. :)
Posted by: sue at April 22, 2005 11:32 AM
All orange food is good when one is feeling down- cheesies, KD, orange pop, gross cheese (that's the spicy cheese stuff you find in the salsa isle), orange popsicles....
Posted by: Dianna at April 22, 2005 01:09 PM
OK - now that you have those papers that say you are really getting divorced - and you are way cute, get some "calling cards" (business cards from avery!) so that they next time you are stranded on the side of the highway with cute firemen and CHP's, you have something discreat to hand them your name & number on!
Posted by: April at April 22, 2005 01:19 PM
A meme, and on my favorite topic next to knitting no less! I think I have to leave work early to start working on my answer.
Yippee for a day off and the power of the internets!
Posted by: Anmiryam at April 22, 2005 01:28 PM
I am not a knitter (yet), but if I were and could partake in the knit-a-long, I know what I'd be making: Voo-doo doll!!
Posted by: jennifer at April 22, 2005 01:57 PM
Hi all!
I just posted the guidelines for the Down with Mr. X KAL on my blog but I'll give a quick overview right here too.
Subject to Laurie having a preferrence there is no required or predetermined pattern. It begins on Monday April 25th but if you're ready go ahead and start. Completed project photos can be mailed to me at angilwithdevilwings@yahoo.com and I will be happy to display them for all to see. I would also like to get a list going so feel free to email me with your name and I'll add it.
Of course, the only pattern that I could think of that was fitting (IMHO) was a Winky Washer in the most itchy wool you can find. But that may be a little too risque so as of right now it's knitters choice. And if anyone so inclined to create a pattern would like to do so I'm sure the rest of us would greatly appreciate it!
;o)
Posted by: Savannah at April 22, 2005 02:00 PM
I wasn't going to post this, but it may come in handy since you have the book , The power of intention now. There is a little saying I learned a long time agao, and I would use it if I ever needed to. It goes like this...
If you love something, set it free (wait for it, it's not what you think)
If it comes back, it's yours.
If it doesn't......
HUNT IT DOWN AND KILL IT!!!!!!
Now, you treat yourself well, Laurie, whether that means Jack and cheetos, or a crap load of yarn, or a day at the spa,or commenting on your own comments - you are very worth it. Hell, make yourself a Clapotis while you're at it!!!
Posted by: chris at April 22, 2005 02:01 PM
I hope you write for TV or movies one day so more people can enjoy your witty and clever dialog.
Posted by: Dianna at April 22, 2005 02:41 PM
i so need to join the down with mr x knitalong. but i think i should actually take his photo in and get it turned into a tapestry....i would get great pleasure in particular when it came to sticking the needle through his eyes!!
Posted by: jacqueline at April 22, 2005 02:44 PM
btw- i was talking about my lying, two-timing, cheating mr x - not yours. i don't have a photo of yours but would be happily stick needles in his eyes for you.
Posted by: jacqueline at April 22, 2005 02:49 PM
And sales for "The Power of Intention" skyrocket!
I like the pics!
Posted by: Brad at April 22, 2005 03:39 PM
Amen to April! Mr. X is a nasty, mean, selfish... thing, and you are *lucky* to be rid of him now. Go have a few flings with some cute Chippies, or firemen -- or what about the hot bus driver? Yeah, him. You can act on those dreams now, babe -- you're free!!
Besides, anyone who can be so funny despite being in such pain is someone to be treasured, and anyone who doesn't appreciate that is -- well, a thing.
Posted by: Cordelia at April 22, 2005 04:16 PM
I think you'd really like "In the Heart of the Sea" by Nathaniel Philbrick, about the sinking of the whaleship Essex. I loved it, and I'm not even into boats.
I am laughing out LOUD at your photo captions.
Posted by: Jennifer at April 22, 2005 04:18 PM
I just had to de-lurk for a moment to say that I LOVE the bad cat book.
I also have to say that I love, love, love reading your blog and that you deserve sooooo much more than Mr. X!!!
:-)
Posted by: Nancy at April 22, 2005 05:21 PM
People on all of the internets are keeping you in their thoughts. Because I am a dork I just made a post on my blog in honor of you!
I'm glad you have good friends around you and that your humor is intact. You'll have to keep us posted on what happens as a result of your INTENTIONS, I know a person or two I'd like to try it out on.
Posted by: Amy at April 22, 2005 05:40 PM
Where's the Mr X knitalong again? I have to make the itchy thing and burn it.
Posted by: buttonwillow at April 22, 2005 06:46 PM
i'm chiming in along with the hundreds of lurkers and de-lurkers when i say you will make it through this. i'm wiping tears because i'm happy for you and sad at the same time. people can be so evil. mr. x will pay for what he did. there was no excuse for that. none!
yesterday at work, i read about your bus mishap, then read more and more. you have so much heart. finally i went back to the beginning of your blog and read everything. (can you tell i didn't get any work done?) that bastard! you are so much better off without that loser-punk-rat-faced-bastard! really, you are!
take that bottled anger and write your books, sweetie! i can see them from here. you're great!
i'm sending good thoughts your way from chicago.
be good to yourself....
Posted by: lynette at April 22, 2005 08:52 PM
speaking as a divorced, now happy 49 year old, believe me, you'll find someone wonderful :-) in the mean time, i hope you have the meanest divorce attorney you can find.
Posted by: vanessa at April 23, 2005 03:57 AM
Mommy helped me read your post yesterday but went to bed before I could comment. I sometimes need help with the typing! We don't like Mr. X's - and are REALLY good at holding grudges. He isn't even good enough for a poopkiss or a 'I just licked my ass' kiss.... it would be a waste of an ass lick.
Maybe when we are in L.A. visiting Uncle Nick I will have to come visit you and give you lots of kisses to cheer you up - oh and chase your cats... but then give you more kisses.. Is there any chance you taste like peanut butter or bacon?
I don't do alot of reading but I like playing games like TAG!!!!! I'll see what Mommy and I can come up with...
Posted by: Minou at April 23, 2005 06:32 AM
Pshaw. You'll make it through this. Trust me. I'm about 6 months ahead of you in the divorce timeline and things will get better. :)
Posted by: Kathy at April 23, 2005 08:17 AM
Okay, here's a little something you can work on to help cheer you up. You can knit your own superhero!
http://www.gregkucera.com/newport.htm
One thing to notice, however: They're all empty! Does that surprise you?
Keep on keepin' on.
Posted by: KarenK at April 23, 2005 10:37 AM
Of course I find your site on the day Mr. Lousy X served you. I read your post and all the comments at 2am in the morning--and had to go to work the next day. You are such a wonderful person, and I am so glad I found yuor blog! It makes me cry, laugh, weep, and bask in the fact that I am a cat lady too (three cats).
I'm not in the same boat as you (forgive the boat analogy), as I am trapped in a loveless marriage for God nows how long more thsi will last, I can relate--at least a little.
Knit bloggers are the best--and you my dear, have become my new favorite. Yeah, you don't knit much *smile*, but keep it up...as Red Green says, "I'm pulling for you, we're all in this together."
Posted by: Renada at April 23, 2005 12:10 PM
Your blog is funny and creative and entertaining and I'm sure you are, too. So sorry for your sorrow and divorce just sucks no matter how ya cut it. The good news is; it gets better...I promise. And I mean really, really better.
Oh, I live in a small, New England fishing village. Great place! Come visit!
Posted by: Mj at April 23, 2005 03:42 PM
You just do what you have to do, including voodoo. Check your email too, particularly the spam that I am sending you according to your server. BTW, what is your favourite colour?
Posted by: Lynne S of Oz at April 24, 2005 12:07 AM
Gosh, I have only just discovered your site. How the hec can I have missed it for all this time? I was so impressed I have added you to my "Buttons on Parade", an accolade not given to many as it does involve tinkering about with the HTML script.! ;)
Posted by: Fran at April 24, 2005 08:55 AM
hmmmm, spiritual advisor?!?!? maybe she feels that she's in the immenent presence of a powerful goddess, WE all know who you are!!! OH YES YOU ARE!!!
You rock. thanks for making me smile.
Posted by: val at April 24, 2005 08:57 AM
Dear "Aunt Purl"
I think your blog is terrific. I don't know if you read all these comments, but you should be able to judge by the number what a cult following you've gotten!
I think you're doing the right thing in being honest to yourself and living how you want (cheetos on chest included) which I hope inturn will attract an honest lover (when you decide the time is right) who doesn't get put off by the 4 cats and knitting obsession label... and won't have a midlife crisis and run off with a younger girlfriend.
One thing that made me smile was that a friend of my boyfriend was saying to him "aww, I wish I had a girlfriend to make me stuff and be all cute with".
Best wishes,
Pav
Posted by: pavlova at April 25, 2005 06:48 AM
Yeah, your mom is really right, Mr. X Has No Balls.
I mean, even on the Seinfeld show they had standards for breaking up. Three dates meant a face-to-face breakup. THREE DATES. So there, Mr. X, you blew it. Bigtime.
You will heal. You will move on. You will have a wonderful life. You will love again.
But he will ALWAYS have no balls.
Thinking of you and sending big hugs.
Posted by: sylviatx at April 25, 2005 10:09 AM
There is a pattern for a willie warmer out there. It even has a portion for "the boys" to be kept warm in. Save yourself some knitting and leave that part off; Mr. X doesn't need it.
Take care.
Posted by: Stephanie at April 25, 2005 07:08 PM
Add me to your legion of fans.
I think I'm in love with you. And I'm not even a lesbian.
I'm happily married; thankfully I didn't marry my "Mr.X," but the breakup was such a tangled mess it's a good thing I didn't(!) I wish I'd had your blog to read back then.
You are so wonderful. You know that, right? You're wonderful, he's a doodoohead.
Posted by: Jo at April 26, 2005 09:57 AM
