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April 22, 2005

Who says the Internets are just for porn?

Last night, 10 p.m. Phone rings.

Jen: You have to go see your website.
Me: I can't. Get out of bed. I have the covers pulled over my head. And I'm depressed. And I think... I smell.
Jen: You don't smell.
Me: Do too.
Jen: No one can smell you on the Internets.
Jen: You have to go look, read the comments. I think I'm going to cry.

(pause while I drag my possibly odiferous self from bed)

Me: Oh my.
Jen: I know.
Me: (speechless) (then, of course, not speechless) Oh. My.
Jen: I know! And Savannah has created a "Down With Mr. X. Knit-a-long" and... there's a BUTTON. There's a LOGO.
Me: Oh oh (sniff) I can't believe it. And it's a great logo! And you are nowhere until you have a LOGO. And it's a GREAT logo! And ... no one has ever made a LOGO this good. And, oh ... did you read this comment? And this comment? And she survived it.. and so did she... and she knows .... (sniff, sniffle, sniff)
Jen: You know, what, Laurie... you're not alone.
Me: I thought I would die alone, eaten by my cats. I'm... I need a minute. I have to go blow my nose.
Jen: I know! (sniffle) Me too! knitbloggers, they're so good! These are good people!
Me: Knitbloggers will inherit the earth.
Jen: If blogger.com doesn't crap out.
Me: I know!

Oh, oh, thank you. Thanks for the emails and comments, I appreciate them more than you know. I ... I really was speechless. and that NEVER happens.

Luckily, Erika also tagged me to answer some questions, pre-empting more whining and boo-hooing and "I'm so smelly, I'm alone, where is the wine?" and cursing and carrying on by you-know-who. (Which is me, in case ya'll are wondering.) Hi Erika! My parents thank you, since all this bellyaching on my part ran out their cellphone battery ... twice.

Plus, you know where I am today? NOT AT WORK. Personal day! (This is what happens when you cry at a redesign meeting. "That highlight color is all wrong and .. and... it's so lonely, all by itself, with no high-contrast... and it's alone... with four cats ... and it looks so sad ... and no and I'm sorry, I have to excuse myself.... ")

But the very best part (we're back on Erika, now, and her blog-tag, FOLLOW ALONG people) is that it's a literary tag Q&A, which is the perfect time to introduce you to my new secret weapon, a powerful and evil tome which was located in the Self Help aisle. And ... you know. I love me some Self Help aisle! It's so good for getting your crazy on. Right out in public, too, between Travel and Biography. Oh, I joke about the self-help aisle. I make fun of it. But you think I haven't gone there?


But, wait... I'm getting ahead of myself. Here is my simple "stop your whining" Q & A session (because I am not one to talk on an on and on about myself) (ha!):

1) Total number of books in your house:

I have no idea. I'm bad at The Math. Can we get on with the next question?

2) The last book you bought was:

Finally! Now I can get to the part about Self Help. There's a funny story here. No, really, trust me. The entire tale is sort of third-hand information, but still powerful. And maybe a little evil.

Jennifer went to lunch with our mutual friend Amber last week. And Amber and Jen are talking at lunch, chitchat chitchat, and somehow they get on the subject of Careful What You Wish For. (Which is one of my personal favorites, by the way.)

If you want to know how weird internet rumors get started, I believe we're about to witness one in its infancy. So, now, fast forward to Jen and me on my patio, a few days later. Amber? Not present. All the people about to be discussed? Never met them.

Jen (telling me about her lunch with Amber): So, Amber was at Junior League. And the girls are talking about recent books they've read, and specifically a book called... I think, "Power of Intention."

Me: Ok. And?

Jen: Well, one of the girls at Junior League started telling everyone... DO NOT read that book! It's powerful... and evil.

Me: (ears perking up) Yes...?

Jen: So, apparently, the Junior League girl is a real estate agent. And anyway, some guy she sold property to was suing her. Then she read the book, The Power of Intention, and she went to her spiritual advisor* who told her to take the power of intention and focus it back on the bad guy suing her.

(* Yes, a spiritual advisor. Only in L.A., folks. Only in L.A.)

Me: And so what happened?

Jen: He DIED. Three weeks later, alone in his apartment.

Jen: Laurie...? Where are you going? ... hello?

Me: Oh, I have to get a pen. And some paper. Now, what is the name of this book again?

Jen: "The Power of Intention" BUT it's EVIL.

Me: I know! I can't wait!

Jen: Plus, I think it may be self-help, and you HATE self-help.

Me: I know! Even BETTER!

So, ya'll know I totally bought it. And I'm going to read it this weekend. And I'll let you know if it's the powerful evil book we all wish and hope for. (Hello, Mr. X!)



3)What was the last book you read before reading this?

Before I went totally off the deep end into evil yet powerful self-help books, I was reading "The Perfect Storm."

I love this book. I love fishermen, and fishing towns, and boat docks in fishing towns, and tiny diners with strong coffee and fish tales. Coincidentally, I myself am COMPLETELY phobic about boats and won't go near one. Minor detail. I'm fine with small boats, but big boats that travel on the ocean with no land in sight? Those scare me.

Once, I went to Catalina Island for the day with some friends, and to get to Catalina, you have to take a boat. Which I suppose the "island" part should have conveyed, but I swear ... I DID NOT KNOW about the boat. I'm from Texas and you can totally DRIVE to South Padre Island, people!

Oh, I tried to get out of the boat ride. I started out indignant. "Are ya'll trying to prematurely AGE me? Where's the ROAD? I see NO ROAD. There's just a BOAT. You never mentioned a BOAT." Then I slipped into obsessive-compulsive mode, "But there are GERMS and VIRUS spores and glorified PORTAPOTTIES." This produced no noticable results, so I broke out the old tried-and-true, "I'll wait while ya'll go to your deaths in a watery grave."

And they ignored me.

So, on the boat ride to Catalina, which try as I might I could not get out of, I sat on the top deck of the Catalina Flyer with an orange life jacket on. My friends were so embarrassed. Orange totally clashed with everyone's cute outfits, plus, they had to be seen with their friend, THE DORK IN THE LIFE VEST.

But I lived, and that is what matters.

So, I'm not exactly sure why I love love love fishing boats and fishing towns and stuff so much, but I do. There's something so appealing about a tiny town on the ocean, and men on boats, and fish, and rogue waves. And this is a great book, and it even has pictures!


4) Write down 5 (or 6) books you often read or that mean a lot to you.

When I can't sleep, and I'm anxious, and possibly feeling sorry for myself, I read "The Pianist" (the book that inspired the movie) or "The Last Eyewitnesses." Nothing makes you appreciate your good life more than reading about the things others have endured, things you can't even imagine. I am also completely obsessed with anything Jewish, and with World War II, and with Poland.

About once a year, I read "Gone With The Wind" again, and dammit, Scarlett still falls in love with Ashley every time. Stupid Ashley.

My current favorite book is, um, a picture book. BAD CAT. It is truly the funniest book on the planet. I bought it to give to Shannon for her birthday and it never left my house. Sorry, Shan!


5) Who are you going to pass the stick to (three people) and why?

Jennifer ... same five questions, because you love subject matter! And this will give you an opportunity to complain, at length, about law school. Suggestion: Take pics of your enormous books to garner more sympathy.

Crystal ... because I'm stalking you, and you know it. (I called her on Wednesday, and she said, "Laurie, this is becoming a pattern... are you stalking me? Because I will tell SO your parents!")

Anmiryam ... because I thought Gromit would have an interesting perspective on books. And maybe pictures, too :) And I couldn't tag Minou, since dogs don't read. Or do they? But if they do, Minou, you are so tagged.

P.S. Thanks again for all the emails and comments. I'm... blessed. And the nice messages of support ... all ya'll who said you've been there, too ... thank you. You have no idea. You kept me from doing something potentially damaging to my career at work yesterday. ("Hi coworker. You're getting married? Did they mention to you in pre-marital counseling that marriage can suck your soul dry and probably kill you? No? They didn't? Hmmm. Fascinating!")

And note to Dad, I was just joking about the ... you know, the Cheetos thing. Really. I would NEVER do that. Because that would be wrong.

P.P.S. Note to everyone else: It's so wrong it's RIGHT.

Posted by laurie at April 22, 2005 11:53 AM