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April 27, 2005

Multiple-choice Purl

Multiple Choice #1: Is there TOO MUCH crazy?

So, my friend Jane* and I have been discussing The Power of Intention, although not the book "The Power of Intention" but more the general concept of using you mind to will things into being. Some people call this "prayer" or "meditation" or sometimes "voodoo."

One afternoon Jane and I talked on the phone and after a few cocktails and some self-help phrases and much faux-spiritual chitchat, we both decided that we believed in mind/universe control and also that we'd PROMISE not to tell anyone that we believed in such matters because damn, that's embarrassing. (Hi, secrecy! Thy name is Laurie.)

Many of my friends need a little help controlling the universe. Jane is in a love conundrum right now and needs the universe to bring her some lovin' and passion. Jennifer is in Law School Study Hell and needs redemption from the fiery depths of constitutional law. Me, I'm in need of a voodoo doll shaped like a tee-tiny vienna sausage. But in order to avoid the seething evil power of intention gone wrong, and perhaps a lifetime filled with tee-tiny vienna sausage men if the magic backfires, I decided that mostly I could use some health/wellness vibes and also some prosperity goodness with my upcoming divorce.

So, Jane and I met up in downtown this week to visit my favorite Control The Universe store, la Farmacia Million Dollar. La Farmacia is a botanica on the corner of Broadway and 4th Street in downtown Los Angeles, and it's filled with every manner of talisman, candle, herb, amulet, incense, oil and saint staue known to Latin mojo madness.

[click for bigger pics]

 
La Farmacia Million Dollar; More potions than you can shake a stick at


 
Voodoo powders for your mojo; More statues than available countertops


I love LOVE love this store.

Latin voodoo is the absolute best, in my humble voodoo-snob opinion. First, it's exceptionally colorful. Second, it's all in Spanish, which means I get to commune with my inner aztec goddess. Third, its magic covers every possible topic including, but not limited to: finances, finding work, court cases, love, separation, divorce, sleeping, health, sexual power, breaking curses from other people, and of course the all-too-useful "SHUT UP" voodoo:

voodoo-shutup.jpg

When haven't we all needed a SHUT UP NOW candle?

We walked into the botanica and immediately became entranced with the wide array of candles and potions available for our different problems. After about fifteen minutes, Jane and I rendezvoued in the incence aise.

Jane: Ok, I have an Adam & Eve love candle and some love potion oil, and I found this oil you can buy Jen for power and success.

Me: Excellent! I have a health candle, a prosperity candle, an African herb candle for Jen and some powder for "estudiantes" though I don't know what you do with it.

Jane: Should I get the love incense too, or is that too much?

Me: Well, if we're honest here, how much is too much crazy? Once you've bought the candle and the love potion, aren't the incence kind of a given?

Jane: Right. If you're going to go crazy, you should get the full crazy package.

voodoo-jane.jpg


So, $22.81 later, I checked out with every kind of loco mojo you can imagine, including a talisman that has a red cloth bag, a vial of magic oil and special stones. (Magic oil! We should tell George Bush!) The man at the counter explained to me how to use The Talisman, but he only spoke Spanish, so if I wake up in two weeks and I have become an aging white guy who is bald and also, you know, the vienna sausage thing, well ... blame my poor translation skills.

Now, for the multiple-choice part of our voodoo, let's say that you bought a buttload of Mexican voodoo at a local botanica and you set it all out at home on your table and ... you know, you actually use it. When people come over to visit, would you:

A: Act like it's your latest art installation
B: Say you have a poltergeist and are in the midst of an exorcism
C: Pretend you're so white that you didn't even know these were Latin voodoo items
D: Make a joke about your weird big toe

voodoo-my-haul.jpg
My haul from the voodoo binge


* Names have been changed to protect the innocent, and also those who want to use their voodoo magic without anyone knowing their real identities. Like Amber.


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Multiple Choice #2: Parental obligation, and what this means to a knitter

Mother's Day is right around the corner. Now, suppose (hypothetically, of course) that your mom HATES chickens. HATES them. Not a phobia, so much, but a true Southern woman's hatred of the chicken statues, chicken aprons, chicken dish towels and chicken cookie jars that you find in every Cracker Barrel in the nation.

Also suppose your mom endured years, I mean YEARS of homemade crap from you, her artistic if rather demented child. So with your new knitting obsession your mom is likely worried that you're going to make her a gift, full of LOVE and also UGLINESS, that she'll have to wear forever and secretly hate you for giving her on this, Mother's Day, a day meant to honor her not torture her.

Also, hypothetically, pretend your mom has a warped sense of humor. For example, during the stay-at-home mom years, she maybe, just maybe, had a small child (named ERIC!! Ha!! Eric you are soooo busted!!!) who was a total living terror until age six and cried every two and a half minutes. And this same mom, stressed out and also kind of pissed that the universe gave her a rotten kid (just kidding Eric! we love you... now!) decided that one day she would maybe cook a hamburger in the shape of a hotdog, and serve the hamburger in a hotdog bun, just to FREAK OUT her four-year-old. And then she told the story repeatedly about how he finally stopped crying because he was so PUZZLED and ENTRANCED with her hot-burger creation.

(Placed in context of my family, I make so much more sense now, don't I?)

Anyway, back on Mother's Day. So, if you had all this information, about your chicken-hating but basically funny mom, would you threaten to make her this for Mother's Day?


chicken-viking-hat.gif


A: Oh, she must SO live in fear of the chicken knitted hat.
B: Nah, go for the Sappy Hallmark Card
C: Chicken hat! Chicken hat!
D: Chicken hat with voodoo candle.

Posted by laurie at April 27, 2005 10:37 AM