Wow, a gross goatee for Mr. X. He sucks! I mean, some people can pull it off and its fine, but with highlights!! and earrings!! Icky. I think you are waaay better off without a man who highlights his hair (and only eats pizza, right??). Hey, wow, I'm the first commenter. Score!

Mia! Hi! You are only too right. If there is any justice in this world, it is that his new girlfriend has an aging, finicky eater on her hands with an earring, blonde highlights, and a GOATEE!!!! Hah!!!!!

Ugh. And what kind of a girl would go for a Guy with Highlights, Goatee and Earring? Skank. They deserve each other!

"smoke and regret and sadness" - very nice. I love you! You are the good kind of Crazy. Yes, yes you are. The Imaginative, Vivacious, Exciting sort of crazy, with an Admirable Prose Style. Truly Admirable! Truly!

About the play -- I have the very same thing, except it's music concerts. No matter how much I like the artist/group, or how much I paid for the tickets, I find myself thinking about my laundry, or my knitting, or how much I have to spend at the vet, and then I feel GUILTY for not paying attention. The only exception is concerts in bars because, well, you're not expected to listen so closely with a drink in your hand...

And re: seeing Mr. X... I hadn't seen one particularly horrible ex-boyfriend since he dumped me (and brought me flowers -- what kind of moron ruins your favorite flower by bringing it with him to break your heart??), until one evening when I was at a seminar on training for a marathon... and despite the fact that it had been announced TWICE that you should turn your cell phone off, some asshole's phone rang and rang and rang. Guess who? But of course, my moron ex. (I went on to beat him in the marathon by 1:42:40. He was too slow to get his name in the paper.)

Sounds like a nice evening.

In the part of the South where I grew up, we pronounced it "mamanem." Or, more accurately, "mamaniyum." As in "I'm fixin to go see mamaniyum."

Ooh, Sowabaka looks maaad! Better finish up the ugly crazy cat thingamajig quick...

Goatee, highlights, earrings? Ugh, I know that type, they weren't cool in high school and then delude themselves into believing they can aim for cool in midlife. Don't they understand that at best they can achieve faux cool? Silly wannabees.

Besdides, don't they watch "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy?" It's so easy to find out that bad highlights and goatees are not where it's at. Really, how can you be so ill informed?

Febreeze? Man are you smart, I'd never think of that!

Lord love you, how did you manage not to accidentally-on-purpose run him over? You must have been struck by an overwhelming wave of pity; goatees, highlights and earrings in 40+ -year-old men tend to bring on such emotions. Yeesh.

Um, yeah. The earring, highlights and asshole-ish wife-dumping behaviour all spell midlife crisis for sure. However I think growing a goatee is middle-aged man code for "I think something funny is up with my prostate".

Just because SOME DOGS are small and wear sweaters and have a blog everyone thinks they are sooooooo cute. Big dogs are cute too dammit. Shut up! We are so! La la la la la!

No flushing OR hand-washing?! Yuck.

One of the three (hilights, earing, goatee) is reaching for cool. ALL THREE is bypassing it in a 747. Ugh!!!

Glad you had fun!

April

Oh man - a goatee?!? Now I want to kick him in the junk even more than I did before.

Million $ Farmacia may be paying off. Running into Mr. X is just the kind of thing the MoJo creates. Now you KNOW the bad MoJo is working. It's working it's tacky high-lighting and bad-goatee magic...creating 100% turn-off karma.

ICK!

Laurie, I just spoke with my husband and asked him this question: "If a man suddenly up and left his wife after # years of marriage and then she saw him months later and he had gotten highlights, pierced his ear and grown a goatee, what would you think was going on?"

My husband, without a moment's hesititation said:
"He's gay."

There you have it, the red-blooded Canadian male's assessment of Mr. X - the break up had nothing to do with his life with you - he is indeed gay and you should be glad he left before you came home to find him in your bed with another man. Granted, we did base this assesment on the typical Maritime man, not a metrosexual.

As for your internal monologue during the play: I'm an idiot at plays. Minou's mommy almost beaned me during one of the plays she designed the costumes for at the university when she was here. I guess I shouldn't have commented on the gratuitous nudity in the play while the director was sitting in front of me. Whoopsie. Auntie Steph, exuent stage left.

Wow. That is amazing. Goatee, highlights, and earring. Three strikes proves you're a loser, jackass! What IS it with these men? Christ.

It's a good thing you were so into the play, because apparently you weren't allowed to flush anyway!

>"She febreezed just for you"

LOL! No really, I laughed out loud. Laurie you have a great ability to tell stories!

too funny stephanie! this was my first assessment, too. Because in my world 40+new goatee+new earing+"need to find creativity" =100% gay. And math is a science, no room for interpretation. :)

OH MY

OH MY

Ya'll... he likes show tunes!!!!!!

So, uh....how many smokes DID it take to talk yourself outta running his sorry ass over?

Thirty-seven.

that's the kicker. he's fancy as my husband puts it. you carry your febreeze with you? just wondering... have a great weekend! i mean it.

Earings, Highlights, AND a Goatee?? What a freak! I agree with Ann's Canadian husband that Mr. X is definately fudge packin!!!

Must have been a great play. I do that internal talking thing too especially with having to go to the bathroom. She looks like she'd be a good actor, I mean that in a good way. That sign in the bathroom is hilarious. Hope you decided to wait till it was over... :)

My best friend and her husband split up after 10 years of marriage when she discovered gay porn in his "Secret Samsonite." As I read this Ex Siting account, I immediately thought: he's gay. And that was before I saw what some of the other commenters said. My friend's ex went from supposedly straight to gay in about, oh, 2.5 seconds. How do I know? Hm. Could it have been his new goatee, highlights, and earring? (We already knew about the show tune thing.)

Some other things to look for, should you be so unfortunate to see him again: apparent multiple trips to a tanning bed, and a ring--on his thumb.

In other news, I had no idea that I was the only grown up woman who could worry about whether a friend's mother smelled smoke and/or alcohol on me. Sometimes it's hard to remember that we're not still 13, huh.

and you never ran him over?...

My DH agrees w/the assessment of Mr. X's new 'do. (Not that there's anything wrong with that...) However, will this change his name from Mr. X to Mr. Fancypants? And should we all send him super long eyelash scarves to go with his new look?

QOTD: Which Village People character is Mr. X?

You've just come up with a new ad campaign: Don't be Talked About. Use Febreeze.

I'm convinced the Fates are actually on your side, here, though it may not feel that way now. I mean, how many people get the chance to see their ex getting uglier/more idiotic looking by the day? Cherish this opportunity you've been given. And, when you start to feel sorry for yourself, just picture the goatee and other middle age crisis paraphernalia. It's bound to make you feel better.

See how good smoking is for you? It kept you from doing 25 to life. Over a man who is currently sporting a goatee. I think your divorce papers should take a big celebratory slug of something strong.

As for plays, I love them, but the season following Othello our seats were inexplicably changed from the front row to the back half. Honestly, I was not crying that loudly. Surely my brother was lying about the actors ataring at me? (I couldn't tell. I had something in my eye).

Hye, you SURVIVED seeing Mr X! (Should that be mr G?) OK, it may have been a close call but you survived and there is life afterwards (although if you smoke that many cigarettes, there may not be life for much longer...)! You were able to enjoy the rest of your evening. I count that as one little step along the way.

hey, isn't Minou the Armenian word for cat??

He and his goatee drove you smoke and then you had to Febreeze yourself.......this blog should be a book. I feel guilty being entertained by your "escapades" but honey you do know how to put a fun spin on things. Print your archives and send them to an editor or literary agent ASAP!

YAYYYY!!! Birthday for me... Maybe Mommy and I should run over Mr. X in our truck. I'll distract Mommy and she won't know what happened... But I guess that could mess up his goatee - he gay goatee....
Sobakowa looks scary. I hope Sobakowa isn't an outside cat.... Just an inside cat..... maybe declawed....

Gay/smay. He's flipped out! He thinks he’s fallin’ down the shaft with Alice and the ‘ring, goat, etc. are just vain efforts to grab the side before his creativity hits rock bottom and he has to deal with the Mad Hatter. Guess what? You won’t have to listen to his sorry ass whinin’ about it. She/he/whatever will have to endure his pitiful drivel while making the friggin’ pizza and buyin' his Clairol. Have yourself a shot’a JD and celebrate your freedom! I personally want to thank the swine for dumping you; otherwise we wouldn't have you and your pearls. Keep on Bloggin'

So you were right by my house and you didn't come over? I mean, I was working but you could have dropped off some beer or something.

Something special for you, Laurie!
http://www.femiknitz.com/html/knitting_4.html
Potty mouth indeed! LOL

I was going to remain anonymous and just stalk your blog, but decided to come out of the closet(computer room) and tell you how much I enjoy your daily musings. You are soooooo funny. You are edging out Jerry Seinfeld and Ellen Degeneres as the funniest person alive. Last night I was telling my 22 year old son about you and Mr. X and he agreed that your ex is sounding pretty gay. And you are so cute both inside and out, well maybe adorable is better or would you like pretty instead, you rock Crazy Aunt Purl.

What Lynne S said. You are a hilarious blog voice and really cute to boot. Your Ex must be having one hell of a crisis of some sort, we won't dwell on the details, but ask yourself if you really would want to be seen in public with a man with a goatee and an earring who isn't doing your hair? Move on, girl. You're cute, smart and very, very funny, you can do way better.

Yep, gay for sure. What a putz.

Btw, Ada is jealous. She thought she was the cutest dog on the Internets!

lions and tigers and bears!!! :)
facial hair on men is so not cool.

Whoops. I think I started something there. Er... ok, so he could also be having a mid-life crisis and just doesn't know how to express himself... but hey, if he's gay, well... send him up here to Canada. We'll let him get married again, but he'll probably freeze his balls off during the first winter.

As for you - I still can't believe you Febreezed yourself. I am in shock and am still laughing at the thought of you spritzing madly away with this big cloud of Febreeze settling on you!