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April 13, 2005

What's the plural of dumbass? Dumaii?

1. You know what would be great? It would be great if I did not have to take my car into the shop once a week. Yeah that would be great. Almost as great as finding a naked man named Armando ... or maybe Jake ... doing the dishes for you, and then begging you to let him clean the toilet. Oh, wait, I must be having an acid trip! Because THAT could really happen. HA! Anyway, I had to take my Jeep back to the mechanic yesterday, the same mechanic who FIXED my smog problem for $800 a mere two weeks ago but apparently BROKE something else. I should probably take my car somewhere else, but the mechanic is cute and also, in case you did not get the memo, I am a dumbass.

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You may be asking yourself, Self, what was wrong with her Jeep this time? I asked myself that as well. So I looked at my invoice. There, I discovered what the diagnosis was:

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Yes, indeed. My car had the great misfortune of ... being broken.

2. You know what else would be great? It would be great if filling up the tank of my brokedown Jeep did not cost me more than a pair of Ugg boots. Because while Star magazine keeps trying to tell folks that Uggs are out of style, no one in Los Angeles is paying them one bit of attention. We are, however, getting royally screwed on gas prices.

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Or maybe this is all a plot by the government to make Californians so broke they cannot buy more Uggs, thereby stopping the trend. Marnie commented that in some parts of Los Angeles close to the Marina, gas prices are going over THREE DOLLARS a gallon. We Californians officially pay more for gasoline than anyone else in the United States, including Hawaiians. How is it that gas is cheaper in Hawaii where you have to tank that stuff out on a boat across hundreds of miles of ocean? Can anyone explain this to me? I totally blame this on George Bush. I love to blame things on him. And Mr. X. Damn them both.

3. While I was getting my broken car unbroken, I walked across the street to the Studio City Bookstar and of course you know what section I was in, right?

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Oh, just kidding. You know I was really over in the self-help aisle getting my crazy on. All those self-help books are written for women, and basically they all have the exact same theme ("Learning To Love The Fucked-Up Man.") Apparently other women have noticed this trend and decided to take back the self-help aisle:

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4. Annie Modesitt wrote about my blog entry on her blog. I told ya'll we were BEST FRIENDS. Just ignore the thing she wrote in my comments about getting a restraining order on me, she's was just joshing. What a sense of humor. We're BFF! L.Y.L.A.S., Annie! (Oh, you may not know what that means, but ask your eight-year old, she will.) (Because I have the maturity of an eight-year-old, apparently.)

5. My Mystery Knitted Cat Thingamajig is going just fine, except that even though I painstakingly measured the gauge, I may have been drinking, and it may be too big.

6. Luckily, I have really enormous cats.

7. I will likely cry when I realize I have spent over $1000 on my Jeep this month.

8. I will likely die alone in a debtor's prison.

9. On Monday, I was stalking all my imaginary friends online, and I embarrassed myself on someone's blog, AGAIN. Also, I did not know it was against Blog Etiquette to post responses on your own blog. I blame this on ya'll for not telling me. In my defense, I did not know the Blog Law. And also, in my defense, I am a dumbass. When I finally figured out how to install movable type I almost peed my pants. Then, when people finally left comments, you know. I was so excited! Pee, pee, pee! Then I posted back, on my own comments, because we're all just having a conversation, right? I did not know this was wrong. What do you think? What do ya'll do? Do you email people? How does this work? For the love of God, people, tell me!

10. Apparently some people have their website all set up so it emails them when comments are left. I do not have this. (See: "I am a dumbass" above.) A few folks have emailed me off a comment I left them and I just assumed they were a bunch of rad hackers with mad skillz. I did not know The Blog Law.

11. Either my clothes all shrunk, or I have gotten fatter.

12. Isn't it funny how your clothes all shrink at once? My dryer must be a powerful thing.

13. Now I am afraid to leave comments here, or anywhere.

14. That won't stop me, though!

15. Yesterday was Mr. X's birthday. I didn't know what to do. We aren't divorced yet and he has a girlfriend and it's all a big old mess. And you wonder why I drink. But it's his birthday and for the past ten years I have celebrated it. So I called and left him a brief "happy birthday!" message. Then I felt like a dumbass. (Again.) Then I wondered where he was that he couldn't answer a happy birthday call from me, his wife of many years, who once made him a cake out of snickerdoodles. Then I felt myself going to the bad place and promptly bought stuff I cannot afford online to make myself feel better.

16. Jennifer at JenLa meme'd me. Ok, here goes. What I did on my summer vacation: Oh wait, wrong question! Why I love my job: I love my job because I have great hours and have a really kind boss. Plus, I have a cool title, Art Director. "Put the art there... no.. over there! Yes! fab-yoo-lus dahlink!"

17. Sponsor La, half of JenLa, in her amazing knit-and-walk-and-run.

18. Scan newspapers for tales of knitting-related injuries in the Los Angeles Revlon Run/Walk.

19. Understand that I am socially awkward and have no idea how to work the Internets. This is a bad combination. But also know that I read every comment and email and stalk you blog-style and plan to show up on each of your doorsteps one day asking for cake. For example, "Hi Annie! Can I have some cake?"

20. Not a day goes by that my cats do not astound me with their cuteness and good taste in literature:

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So there you have it. Car trouble. Sadness. Gauge gone wrong. More times I embarass myself, cry, spend money and generally carry on like a baby. And it's only Wednesday! Anyone want some leftover meatloaf?

Posted by laurie at April 13, 2005 10:20 AM