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March 30, 2005

Another time I embarrass myself.

I haven't been sleeping. AT ALL.

Six months of not-sleeping can make a person insane. And ya'll, I can actually feel myself aging from the stress. Today, I decided to take some time off work and go see my doctor to ask for medicinal help with the not-sleeping. I never really go see my doctor, because I'm not sick very often, or at least not sick enough to require me schlepping all the way out to Woodland Hills where Dr. Feelgood is and where, coincidentally, LOTS of other sick people are. (You have a better chance of getting sick from all those coughing, wheezing, oozing people than you do just staying home and watching Oprah.) But anyway.

So I made an appointment for a checkup.

After waiting with the sniffling, germy masses for about 15 minutes, I get into an exam room. I promptly break out the wet wipes and sanitize as best I can. Ten minutes, wait wait.

Then, finally, Dr. Feelgood comes in.

Doctor: So, you're here for a check up.
Me: Uh, well, not really, but I didn't want to discuss My Issues with your whole staff.
Doctor: (closes door.) Yes, sure. So what's up?
Me: (feel the tears starting) (OH SHIT, I'm going to cry in front of my Primary Care Physician who I have not seen in over one year. Shit shit shit.) Well, I am having trouble sleeping.
Doctor: Hmmmm. Why is that, you think?
Me: Uh, my husband is filing for divorce and I smoke a lot now.
Doctor: I see.
Me: (sniff sniff)
Doctor: Well, let's try some Ambien for sleeping, for the next month or so.
Me: (sniff) mmm okaysoundsgood (sniff).

That, in itself is not truly embarrassing. However, as Dr. Feelgood is writing out a prescription and looking over my chart, he makes chitchat. CRUCIAL MISTAKE.

Doctor: So, how long were you married?
Me: Eight years.
Doctor: Any kids?
Me: No. No kids. (In my head: Four cats. Don't even get me started.)
Doctor: So, was this ...ah... breakup ... completely unexpected?
Me: Uh, well, you know. He turned 40 in April. And so, he, you know, earring... new car... midlife crisis.
Doctor: Ah.

Me: So, Dr. Feelgood, did you go through a midlife crisis?
Doctor: (silence)

(silence)

(more awkward, uncomfortable silence)

Doctor: Well, Laurie, I'm a little offended you think I'm mid-life already.

Me: Oh shit.

(dies of embarrassment)

The end.

Posted by laurie at March 30, 2005 5:48 PM