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March 30, 2005
Another time I embarrass myself.
I haven't been sleeping. AT ALL.
Six months of not-sleeping can make a person insane. And ya'll, I can actually feel myself aging from the stress. Today, I decided to take some time off work and go see my doctor to ask for medicinal help with the not-sleeping. I never really go see my doctor, because I'm not sick very often, or at least not sick enough to require me schlepping all the way out to Woodland Hills where Dr. Feelgood is and where, coincidentally, LOTS of other sick people are. (You have a better chance of getting sick from all those coughing, wheezing, oozing people than you do just staying home and watching Oprah.) But anyway.
So I made an appointment for a checkup.
After waiting with the sniffling, germy masses for about 15 minutes, I get into an exam room. I promptly break out the wet wipes and sanitize as best I can. Ten minutes, wait wait.
Then, finally, Dr. Feelgood comes in.
Doctor: So, you're here for a check up.
Me: Uh, well, not really, but I didn't want to discuss My Issues with your whole staff.
Doctor: (closes door.) Yes, sure. So what's up?
Me: (feel the tears starting) (OH SHIT, I'm going to cry in front of my Primary Care Physician who I have not seen in over one year. Shit shit shit.) Well, I am having trouble sleeping.
Doctor: Hmmmm. Why is that, you think?
Me: Uh, my husband is filing for divorce and I smoke a lot now.
Doctor: I see.
Me: (sniff sniff)
Doctor: Well, let's try some Ambien for sleeping, for the next month or so.
Me: (sniff) mmm okaysoundsgood (sniff).
That, in itself is not truly embarrassing. However, as Dr. Feelgood is writing out a prescription and looking over my chart, he makes chitchat. CRUCIAL MISTAKE.
Doctor: So, how long were you married?
Me: Eight years.
Doctor: Any kids?
Me: No. No kids. (In my head: Four cats. Don't even get me started.)
Doctor: So, was this ...ah... breakup ... completely unexpected?
Me: Uh, well, you know. He turned 40 in April. And so, he, you know, earring... new car... midlife crisis.
Doctor: Ah.
Me: So, Dr. Feelgood, did you go through a midlife crisis?
Doctor: (silence)
(silence)
(more awkward, uncomfortable silence)
Doctor: Well, Laurie, I'm a little offended you think I'm mid-life already.
Me: Oh shit.
(dies of embarrassment)
The end.
Posted by laurie at March 30, 2005 05:48 PM
Comments
Wait, this was a real conversation? That is fabulous!
Posted by: Erica at March 31, 2005 10:44 AM
Yes, I am that suave. It is so sad. Then I'm all like, "Maybe you should also prescribe me something for this Tourette's syndrome I seem to have developed." But he wasn't really amused. ARGH.
And what is so weird is that I totally just was commenting on your blog! Even though I am completely unable to be trusted with commenting on blogger. But my comment isn't showing up. I have no idea why this is.
Posted by: laurie at March 31, 2005 11:00 AM
Oh wait, it's there now. ONLY ONCE, thankfully. Except I was all grammatically incorrect with "your" not "you're" 'cause I type slower than I think. LOL.
Posted by: laurie at March 31, 2005 11:07 AM
So....are you sleeping again? The reason I ask is that I can completely relate....and the ambien is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
Posted by: -lisad at April 7, 2005 07:10 PM
i just found your blog the other day and since i'm not at all afraid of commenting, even to the point of making a fool of myself, i just wanted to say that this post made me laugh out loud.
i'll be sure to comment more...
Posted by: maryse at April 8, 2005 12:26 PM
This is too funny. I do believe I chortled!
Posted by: Amy at April 12, 2005 05:01 AM
I'm in a library studying for my law school finals, with everyone on edge, and I do believe I just scared the crap out of the entire second floor by laughing so loud at this conversation between you and Dr. Feelgood.
Posted by: Samantha at May 5, 2005 01:44 PM
